WTFO?!

Dale got a new scanner. So what does he do? He scans his class picture from first grade and sends it to me without so much as a hi or how are ya. What gives? How has our friendship been reduced to such informality? I believe he’s using the scanner as a show of his mastery of the world around him. He pulled a similar stunt when he learned to write his name. Suddenly, there were “Dale”s on walls, on refrigerators, on dressers and on chairs. We had no choice but to duct tape his thumbs to his forehead and confiscate his Big Chief crayon. Believe me Dale, it hurt us more than it hurt you.

But enough about our dear amigo, Dale. He’s not near as bad as the media (namely me) makes him out to be. In fact, he’s been storing my junk now for a couple years in exchange only for protection from the Russian mob that he’s convinced is after him.

“Dale,” I said to him. “You’re German.The Russians don’t care about Germans. In fact, they were allies in World War II. They’re too worried about the Italians and the Mexicans and the Greeks to worry about Germans, least of all you.” He blinked at me twice. I took it as a good sign.

“You see,” I said as I took him by the shoulder and guided him towards the flower bed, “Just because your neighbor has a dog named Ivan doesn’t make him Russian. It doesn’t even make the dog Russian!” I laughed and slapped him on the back to dispel his ongoing paranoia.”He’s cool, the dog is cool, you’re cool and I’m cool. Hell, we’re all cool!” I handed him the marigold seeds. I showed him how to make holes in the dark, soft soil with his gloved thumb and carefully place three seeds in each. He caught on quick, I had to give him that.

“So just relax by the pretty flowers buddy. See the pretty flowers?”

He stared down at the empty dirt and smiled. “Nunnmerh.” He began to drool again.

I nodded in agreement and casually wiped his chin off like I’ve done a hundred times before. “Yeah man, you said it,” and took a long swig of my lemonade. It was a beautiful, warm spring day. I always enjoyed peaceful evenings like this. Feet kicked up, cool breeze, not too many bugs. The flowers were almost finished being planted. Once Dale got his mind set on something, he didn’t stop until it was done. He was a handy little bugger to have around.

I could see the concentration by the beads of sweat on his brow. He was all business.

“Dale” I said. He was focused.

“Dale,” I said again with a bit more force. Still nothing.

“Dale!” His head snapped up with the speed of a dog ready for a game of fetch.

“Go get me some more lemonade, will ya buddy?” He shuffled away with an off center limp into the house, grunting words deep in his throat only he knew.

Yeah, Dale’s a good friend of mine alright. It’s a damn shame what happened.

ShareThis

Leave a Reply

The author.Born in the year of the Dragon, the author grudgingly accepts the fact he has too many interests and not enough time. A cyclist as long as he can remember, an avid yet inconsistent writer since age eleven, and a U.S. Marine since age twenty-one, the author also adds peak bagging, diving, snowboarding, and computers to his list of interests. Incidentally, he is aware of his inability to make a living from any but the Corps. The author accepts this as fact and remains optimistic. Feel free to drop him a line.

  • Jayme on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: I’m glad you found it at least a little helpful. I don’t think anyone can…
  • Gio on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: Read this before I went to the Drill field as a Sergeant and it seriously…
  • Jayme on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: I remember PCA’ers didn’t get leave after school. But I took a month after my…
  • DD on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: DI school is approx 11 weeks, does anyone know if time off is granted upon…
  • Raymond Potter on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: Send me an email. I am very interested in talking to you. As I…
  • Jayme on Calculated PFT/CFT Performance Worksheet (NAVMC 11622) in Excel v5.0.1 dtd 30 Jan 2019: Errors will happen if you don’t fill in DOB and Gender. Take another look…
  • old corps on Calculated PFT/CFT Performance Worksheet (NAVMC 11622) in Excel v5.0.1 dtd 30 Jan 2019: can you tell me why my pts for MTC and MANUF are not calculating? …
  • Jayme on Calculated PFT/CFT Performance Worksheet (NAVMC 11622) in Excel v5.0.1 dtd 30 Jan 2019: Glad it helped. Accessing this page via government computer is hit or miss, but feel…
  • SeanD on Recruit survival guide (politically correct remix): Ppl seem to forget what Marines do, they would like. Hats to train recruits to…
  • Kaylee on A mother’s PostSecret: There’s always another way to interpret something. One’s interpretation is an opinion, not a fact….
  • Jayme on A mother’s PostSecret: In your words, it makes perfect sense. But they aren’t HER words. Her words are…
  • Kaylee on A mother’s PostSecret: Maybe she’s just scared to lose him. I have several very close friends that joined…
  • Jayme on Better off a memory: Yes, it is. What was haunting? The visit? Your memory of this? The story?…
  • Your goddaughter on Better off a memory: Is this when you gave me that blue dolphin necklace? This…this haunts me….
  • Adda on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: Jayme, Spot-on! This must be the 6th time I’ve read this and my reaction…
  • Jayme on 5 things men want women to know: For the record, I’m a closet Danielle Steele fan. Read a lot of her books…
  • Brittany on 5 things men want women to know: It’s nice to see a man’s perspective on relationships as so many articles are written…
  • Jayme on 2009 Eastern Division [rifle and pistol] Matches results: What’s so special about that score in particular? Contact the range where the matches were…
  • Percival on 2009 Eastern Division [rifle and pistol] Matches results: Hey how can i get the scoring roster from a 2009 Far east division championships…
  • Jayme on Drill Instructor duty, Parris Island: A retrospective: Plenty of good stuff. None of it comes to mind right now though….