Foot in mouth disease

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
The Insensitive Guy.
The Insensitive Guy who?
The Insensitive guy who cracked a joke about a 15 year old Thai hooker and got his ass chewed by a female Marine Corps Captain.

Question: How do all offensive jokes begin?
Answer: By looking over your shoulder.

It’s official. I’m “rude,” “crude,” “inconsiderate,” “offensive,” and socially unattractive to boot. Coming from a ground combat MOS where the nearest female was at a local strip club a mile from Camp Delmar’s rear gate, I’m a bit rusty in proper social etiquette. Sure, I’ve schmoozed with foreign dignitaries and rubbed elbows with heads of state and ambassadors alike, but apparently it’s my female sensitivity that needs work.

I agree my seclusion has given me a rough edge, but the circumstances that lead up to and followed said “ass chewing” were comical at best. So much so, in fact, that I can only tell the story via an excerpt from a screenplay I’m writing for an upcoming made for T.V. movie, soon to be featured on The Lifetime Network.

So let’s set up the scene, shall we?

It’s a typical, sunny HEC morning and Gunny Boudreaux, 1stLt Godoy, Sgt Lopez, and I are crossing the Euphrates River north to TQ, the neighboring Marine Corps air base. On the agenda is a quick stop by the PX for whatever goodies we can scrounge up and a layover at the base post office so Gunny can mail off a foot locker. I join Gunny at the inspection table, beneath the cooling shade of desert camie netting. The contents of his foot locker are being inspected by a soldier to prevent any mailing of illegal items.

Act 1: Scene 1

Jayme is leaning on the end of a tall, wooden table with his fingers lightly interlocked. At the other end is an Army Sergeant sorting through a black plastic foot locker, picking up item after item and regarding each with feigned curiosity. Gunny Boudreaux is struggling with filling out the customs form, making offhand comments to the young inspector.

Gunny: You forgot to look here. {points repeatedly} Right here in the front. That’s where the hash and marijuana is.
Jayme: Yeah, like the liquor and knives too.

[Gunny laughs and plays it up. The Army Sergeant smiles blandly and continues to search.]

Jayme: {looks serious} Hey, can you mail animals if you poke holes in the box?
Sergeant Inspector: {raises eyebrows} What kind of animal?
Jayme: {shrugs shoulders and looks casually off screen} Uh, I don’t know. A 15 year old Thai hooker?

[From the back corner, obscured my standing bodies, comes a female voice.]

Female voice: Oh my God! That was so crude. I can’t believe you said that!

[A head peeks out from a bench behind the crowd and stares Jayme down.]

Female: And that coming from a Staff NCO no less!
Jayme: {looking blithe} Apparently not everybody around here has a sense of humor. {Juts chin in female’s direction. Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Apparently combat Marines have a different sense of humor”.
Female: {standing, wearing a flak jacket and obviously agitated} You know what Staff Sergeant? Get out here now! {walks out from under the cami netting into the postal parking area}
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “And you are?”}

[Jayme shrugs his shoulders to Gunny and follows reluctantly, suspecting that anyone who knows his rank and still wants to chew his ass probably outranks him.]

Act 1: Scene 2

[Now in the parking area, female turns to commence ass chewing. Jayme's hands are on his hips. ]

Female: First of all, Staff Sergeant, 15 year old Thai hookers are not animals!
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “No shit.”}
Female: Second of all, prostitution is illegal in the United States and is punishable by the UCMJ. You have got to be kidding me!
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Again, no shit lady.”}
Female: {voice shaking} Do you have a wife and kids?
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Strike 1 wench!”} Negative.
Female: Girlfriend?
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Dammit. Time to lie”} Negative.
Female: Mother? Sister? Aunts?
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Yeah, but they can appreciate a good Thai hooker joke once in awhile. My sister was a Marine and she’s not a bitch. What happened to you?”}
Female: {cuts Jayme off before he can come back with something witty} How old do you think those women were back there? {points over Jayme’s shoulder to the inspection area}
Jayme: {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “Women where?”}
Female: {cuts Jayme off again} They’re not much older. And I especially can’t believe you said that in front of a female Captain!

Jayme: {Strains eyeballs at lack of rank insignia anywhere on female’s flack jacket. Thinks to himself with voiceover: “A Captain? Where?!”} Oh. In that case I guess I apologize, ma’am. I didn’t know who you were. {Thinks to himself with voiceover: “How’s the view from your morally higher ground?”}
Female “Captain”: {stuttering, stammering, and voice still shaking} I… just… you… ARHHH!

[Female "Captain" storms off back to the inspection table under the camie netting. Jayme follows at a safe reactionary distance, but close enough to smell shampoo.}

Act 1: Scene 3

[Back at the inspection table now, a shaky voice sounds just off screen.}

Female "Captain": {talking to the young female Marines} I'll apologize for him because I know he won't.

[Female "Captain" collects her things and storms into the sunshine. Jayme walks back over to the inspection table and sees Gunny Boudreaux stifling laughter.]

Jayme: Well, now that’s over… {rolls eyes and looks for support from Gunny} I thought you had my back, yo!
Gunny: {having difficulty controlling laughing fits} Oh I did. I was just too busy laughing my ass off to do anything about it.
Jayme: {dejected tone} Yeah, well thanks for nothing. I’ll be waiting at the vehicle.

[Jayme walks off screen as Gunny picks up his foot locker and steps into the post office, chuckling quietly to himself.]

END

And there you have it! A drama in real life. A “based on actual events” kinda flick that I know will sell. Chics (I can still say ‘chics’ without offending anyone, right?) will dig it because there’s the “I am woman, hear me roar” thing going on, and guys will like it because it’s so incredibly stupid. The best part of the screenplay is where I return to HEC, drink some Neer Beer, eat some meat cooked over an open flame (in a sandstorm no less) and rally the support of all my friends. They cheer and jeer and we mull over all the brilliant comebacks I should’ve said. It’s the best a male support group can get.

I’ve come to realize how wrong I was to poke fun at 15 year old Thai hookers. It’s not their fault they’re cheap, nor is it appropriate to mail them in boxes, even with airholes poked in the top and some fish heads and rice thrown in to munch on. I also learned it’s just plain wrong to single out a specific demographic group of any kind. In that, I hereby swear to poke fun at all ethnicities, sexes, occupations, religions, creeds, and bra sizes equally, never forgetting there are probably secluded Amazonian tribes deep in the jungle who haven’t been made fun of yet, and further promise, hither to for, to include them in any future reindeer games. The End.

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A guy walks into a pawn shop looking for a unique gift for his eccentric wife. He’s eyeballing a stuffed parrot hanging from a wooden coat hanger in the window when the shop owner leans over the counter and whispers, “You lookin’ for sumpin really special for the Missus? I gots this little green man back yonder that’ll screw anything you tell him to. Get a load of this.” The shop owner cups his hands to either side of his mouth and hollers. “Little green man! Stuffed parrot!” In a flash, a little green man shoots out from behind a shelf of car stereo parts, climbs up the curtain next to the display window, and ravages the stuffed parrot. He’s grunting and scrapping and trying his damndest to hang on to this frickin upside down parrot, and there’s feathers and stuffing flying all over the shop. In no time the little green man finishes up, crawls back down the curtain to the shop floor, and waits patiently with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Well, the man has seen all he needs to. What a perfect gift for his wife! Hell, now he can spend more time with the guys fishing and watching sports while the little green man takes care of business in the bedroom. The man throws the cash down and walks out. While he’s driving home he gets an idea. He glances over to the passenger seat, where the little green man is sitting and trying like hell to see over the dash, and thinks to himself, hey, if the little green man will screw anything, I wonder what he’d do to me? So the man unzips his pants, engages the cruise control, and… *

* No Chinamen, Jews, fat people, lesbians, or circus clowns were harmed in the writing of this joke. But then again, it’s not finished.

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2 Responses to “Foot in mouth disease”

  1. mtbinnd says:

    First: I have to now sign in just to leave a comment what B.S. is that.

    Second: Ha, Ha, Ha, to know one that actually knows you is it a surprise that your mouth got you in trouble.

    Third: Funnier yet would have been her whopping up on you.

  2. abm says:

    Spoken by a true warrior. But just for the record, everyone knows that the Thai hookers can’t go through the mail…but the ones from the P.I. can.

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The author.Born in the year of the Dragon, the author grudgingly accepts the fact he has too many interests and not enough time. A cyclist as long as he can remember, an avid yet inconsistent writer since age eleven, and a U.S. Marine since age twenty-one, the author also adds computers, snowboarding, and motorcycles to his list of interests. Incidentally, he is aware of his inability to make a living from any but the Corps. The author accepts this as fact and remains optimistic. Feel free to drop him a line.

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