Training day 25: reveille, cockroach style

Cockroach in ear, actual sizeThe picture you’re seeing to the right is the actual size of the cockroach that awoke me from my peaceful slumber at 2:00am this morning. He may not seem like much, but wait until the little bastard crawls into your ear and then tell me you’re not envisioning a thousands eggs being laid in your head. It’s maddening, I tell you. Maddening!

I jolted awake, feeling a slight tickling sensation in my right ear and hearing sounds resembling fingernails on wood. I spat a silent prayer to the Gods in hopes someone had broke into my room to put me out of my DI school misery, but no such luck. Something was in my ear! I popped out of bed like it was Government Cheese Wednesday Giveaways and raced to the mirror… like I could see a damn thing with the small cosmetic mirror I use to shave my head. The creature continued to torment me as I clawed uselessly at my ear trying to get a better look.

I rifled through my hygiene kit for tweezers, Q-tips, or a .38 snub nose but nothing seemed to wrest the [possible] arachnid from my head. The thought of some eight legged freak invading my person grossed me out. I gagged. I knew at any moment the creature would finish chewing through my ear drum and gain free access to my brain. I had to take drastic action, so I keeled my head to the right and began hopping vigorously up and down. When hopping alone didn’t work after a few seconds I added random ear tugs in assorted directions, as if that would help. It did not. I had to get serious, so I started smacking the side of my head like an evening with Ike and Tina Turner.

So now I’m hopping in front of the bathroom mirror in my underwear, an assortment of failed extraction tools scattered across the counter in front of me, and smacking the living shit out of myself. My enemies rejoice. It’s not often I take care of your dirty work.

But the smacking worked, at the cost of an extremely sore neck later this afternoon, and out popped the tiniest, most menacing cockroach I’ve ever seen. He was clinging stubbornly to what appeared to be some brain matter, but my vision was blurred as the whole ordeal had gotten me quite shaken up so I can’t be too sure. I seized my tactical advantage of holding higher ground and immediately smashed him on the counter top. So long, Mr. Cockroach-in-my-ear, and have a bad day!

I then turned to a detailed inspection of my bedding and rack with clean findings. It was an isolated case. What a relief! I wasn’t living in filth and my personal hygiene was no longer in doubt, so I chalked the entire incident up to crazy voodoo magic and laid back down.

But the skittering of thousands of exoskeletal legs still haunt me…

Tonight, I sleep with my stocking cap on.

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13 Responses to “Training day 25: reveille, cockroach style”

  1. Gaby Mackay says:

    pobrecito mi Jayme… I feel sorry for you but at the same time I think the story is hilariuos probably not for you right now… but in a couple of months it will… hope you can sleep better tonight =)

  2. Sara Kohler says:

    I’ll send you some ear plugs, they work wonders for anyone..I mean anything you may want to keep out! =)

  3. Stacey G says:

    Holy crap yikes, good story i can just about imagine that one! Glad you killed that little
    pest how dare that ugly little creature go into your ear thats some scary stuff egg hatching and all ewww. Have a good one

  4. Alicia says:

    That be the South, my dear. Have you met the noseem’s yet?

  5. JJ says:

    eeewwww.. hopefully they didn’t hatch eggs in there!

  6. Ana Paula says:

    I’m definately proud of you! I really don’t know what i would have done if i were in your situation. Well done!

  7. Melissa Kohler says:

    Oh my god, I laughed my butt off!!!!!!!!! Ike and Tina Turner-where do you get this stuff?????? The sand fleas don’t hold a candle to THAT experience!! Hey, would that explain most of the insanity you’ve encountered so far? Maybe something got in your brain the first night you got there-do do do do do do do do…

  8. Girlscout78 says:

    I suppose this will give new meaning to the old saying “Don’t let the bed bugs bite”.

  9. Jayme says:

    I’m filing for compensation due to emotional distress as we speak.

  10. Jayme says:

    You’re a sick, sick individual.

  11. Rick says:

    Do you have any idea how long it took me to train that roach to board a plane, catch a cab, hide in wait, and then pounce upon your unsuspecting ear drum? Months… mister insensitive. And you go and squash him. At least you could have the decency to give little Billy a proper burial.

  12. Erica Colls says:

    Well, that was hilarious… nice allusions, euphemisms… If you didn’t elicit laughter, I’d have a little sympathy… I did shudder between chuckles. You have some interesting stories!

  13. Tobi says:

    Gotta love the Osprey.

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The author.Born in the year of the Dragon, the author grudgingly accepts the fact he has too many interests and not enough time. A cyclist as long as he can remember, an avid yet inconsistent writer since age eleven, and a U.S. Marine since age twenty-one, the author also adds peak bagging, diving, snowboarding, and computers to his list of interests. Incidentally, he is aware of his inability to make a living from any but the Corps. The author accepts this as fact and remains optimistic. Feel free to drop him a line.

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